The Texan Prayer Contemplation
by ljkwriting4life
Summary: Set during The Rhinitis Revelation in Season 5. Pure Lenny (though they aren't together), with a little help from Mrs Mary Cooper and the man (or woman) upstairs!


The Texan Prayer Contemplation

By: Leese

Summary: Set during The Rhinitis Revelation in Season 5. Pure Lenny (though they aren't together), with a little help from Mrs Mary Cooper and the man (or woman) upstairs!

Rating: T

Penny stepped into the dimly lit church with Leonard, Howard, Raj and Mrs Cooper. Even though Sheldon had elected not to join them for their day of sightseeing, all Penny could hear was his crazy-but-matter-of-fact voice ringing in her head. 'Yes, Penny has a lot of money tied up in promiscuity futures'. While Sheldon's insult went around on replay, every church they stepped into seemed to add to the injury, hissing the words, 'not virtuous enough' in her ear. Her stomach ached but she dared not show it.

Instead, Penny stood close to Leonard, as she had all day. She just hoped she did not look visibly concerned. She was finally putting those acting classes to some use…was it pathetic that she found them more useful in daily life with him and Priya than in paying jobs? Not that she'd had any paying jobs since the hemorrhoid commercial. To quote Leonard's mother…yikes.

It wasn't that being on a tour of Los Angeles churches with the uber-religious Mrs Cooper made Penny uncomfortable. If anything, Mary did not seem to really judge her for this so-called promiscuity like her son did. Yet Penny still could not shake the snippets of conversation she'd had with the older woman since she arrived. One of the first things Sheldon's mother had asked her about was Leonard, and how she was coping with him dating Priya. Penny had brushed it off with a perky, 'I'm over it'. According to the words that had actually come out of her mouth, it had been awhile now and so she was getting back out there…dating.

Penny had no idea who she was supposed to be dating, but as long as everyone believed that she was seeing someone, or multiple someones, that was good enough for her. It had to be. Right?

Mrs Cooper had followed her upstairs to look at an outfit that Penny was planning to wear out that night on one of her so-called 'dates', and that was when it all basically fell apart. On a whim, Penny pulled out a blue halter-neck dress, a similar colour to the top Mary had noted in her laundry for being a little too revealing. The dress was less showy though, and in fact Bernadette had helped her pick it out; in some ways it was more Bernadette's style. The dress had thick straps that tied at the back of her neck, a defined waist, and then the blue fabric and cotton lining fell out towards Penny's knees in a definite A-line shape. It was the kind of dress that Penny could twirl in, and it would kick up towards her thighs…in fact she had to be careful not to twirl around in it too much. She felt like Marilyn Monroe even in her flats, and she had smiled shyly towards Sheldon's mother when she emerged from her bathroom wearing it.

Mrs Cooper hadn't heard her return, however, because she had been busy examining that square piece of Perspex that Penny could not bring herself to put away. Mary was holding it up to the light on the ceiling, squinting.

"Now what on earth is this?" she asked.

"Oh," Penny said as she blushed. "It's…a snowflake, from the North Pole."

"Let me guess," Mary said before Penny could continue. "Leonard brought it back for you that time the boys went up there for their experiments."

"Y-y-yeah," Penny whispered. Her palms were sweating and she rubbed them down her dress. She hated to admit it, but she got scared whenever someone else held that snowflake. The last person had been Bernadette, and even in Bernadette's safe, science-y hands that snowflake had suddenly seemed ten times further away from Penny, and a thousand times more vulnerable. Please don't break, Penny wished inside her head, concentrating on something inside the Perspex that she could not even see from so far away.

Mrs Cooper just smiled and put the snowflake back on top of the fabric pouch, on Penny's bedside table.

"You keep it close to you," she said. "Bit like me and my Bible. Now," she went on. "Let's have a look at you in this dress!"

Penny smiled and did a little turn. She made sure not to get too enthusiastic so that the skirt of the dress continued to appear playful but modest. It wasn't hard to dampen any girlish enthusiasm she might have had for spinning though; her mind was still on that stupid, beautiful, one-of-a-kind snowflake.

"Now that's very pretty, young lady," Mrs Cooper said. "Yes, very lady-like."

Penny was in tears before she even really knew what happened. A lady? Ha!

It had been so long since anyone other than her parents and her girlfriends had asked her about Leonard and how she felt, probably because she had been brushing them all off, insisting she was 'fine'. She wasn't fine, and she wasn't no lady. Not like Priya. Penny had allowed Amy to take over hating Priya for her, and her father to tut-tut over the phone…he still called her 'young lady' just as Amy fawned over her apparent beauty, but neither of them spoke with the motherly surety of Mrs Cooper. Penny couldn't take it.

"Oh honey," Mary said in her southern drawn. She hurried to sit on the end of Penny's bed, which was where Penny had flopped. Her face was in her hands, and she felt like a fraud as Mrs Cooper wrapped a strong, warm arm around her. "Now-now. What's the matter?"

"I don't…I don't have a date," Penny admitted. "I don't even want a date!"

"Well that's okay," Mrs Cooper said. "Nobody's gonna force you on a fella."

"It's not fair," Penny whined into her palms. She then looked up at Mrs Cooper, exasperated, tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. "Do you know how many women Leonard's been with since we broke up? So, so many, compared to me. I get one stupid guy and I get, I get this stupid, drunken night with Raj where nothing even happened anyway, and it's not like I don't get asked out, you know? I work at the Cheesecake Factory, I'm cute, I get hit on all the time, but I just…I tell them I'm seeing someone and they tell me he's a lucky guy and I just have to smile because he did used to think he was a lucky guy, but I never realised that I was lucky to have him, too, and now someone else is thinking that and she's not even here! It's not fair!"

"There-there," Mrs Cooper whispered. She pulled Penny into a hug and Penny leant her head on Sheldon's mother's shoulder. "I knew downstairs something wasn't right."

"You did? How?" Penny asked.

"The way you hugged me, dear, like you were in need of some old fashioned TLC, a bit of lovin'. Lord knows you wouldn't be getting any care from Shelly, or the rest of them. Men can be blind to that sort of thing."

"Oh, they're sweet," Penny assured Mrs Cooper in a soft voice, allowing a smile to touch her lips. "And they know it's been hard. Raj knows, because I told him I had regrets, and I'm sure Bernadette would have told Howard…and I think Sheldon understands too…it's just that Leonard is his best friend."

"Oh, Shelly thinks the world of you too, sweetheart," Mary said. "He cares about y'all more than he even understands. Do you want to know a secret?"

"What?" Penny asked. She lifted her head when she heard Mrs Cooper chuckle softly, and they leant their heads closer together so that the latter could whisper. "Shelly is not too keen on Leonard's new chick-a-dee either."

"Oh, I know," Penny said. She wiped the tears from her eyes and allowed herself to laugh. "I'm so sorry, it's just…that stupid little snowflake has me!"

"So, no boys tonight then," Mrs Cooper said.

"No," Penny whispered. "And I don't want there to be, now or ever. It's not as though anything is holding me back. I just…don't feel like it. Everyone I've met, all the guys, they're just…not good enough anymore. They're not him."

"Y'know, it's probably not only that they're not Leonard," Mary said. "They're not as good as him, true. But also, maybe they're just not good enough for you anymore either, hon. You know now that you're worth more, deserve better than a sex-stick with a six-pack – Shelly's told me all about 'em – but-"

"No," Penny interrupted quickly. "No, I do deserve them. I deserve to be bored and unhappy. I made the worst mistake of my life and I didn't even realise it. I didn't know how bad I would feel…but the bottom line is that Leonard deserves better than me, and he has that now. It was my fault. See, I couldn't say 'I love you', and I couldn't find another way to tell him how I felt about him…I couldn't give him any hope that I would. That's horrible, right? I suck?"

"No darlin', killin' is horrible. I'm sure Leonard doesn't think you suck either; you're just young and scared of your feelings. Believe me, I've been there."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Penny whispered. "I've said it before, Leonard knows I've said it before…but when I said 'I love you' to those other guys it never meant what it would mean to say it to Leonard. That scares me."

"So what are you gonna do about it?" Mrs Cooper asked.

"I don't think I can do anything," Penny said. "I eat a lot of food, does that count? I can't talk to Leonard, because he's with Priya now and I think he does love her. That makes me confused about whether or not he really meant it when he said it to me, and whether what I'm feeling for him is genuine, or if we're both just confused and not really meaning what we say or feel…But we're still friends, and I'm holding onto that with all I have. Priya tried to stop us seeing each other, did you know that? She made him try contact lenses and bought him new clothes, and told him to stop seeing me. But she's in India now and she has no control there anymore, and I'm not letting him go."

"Ack, changin' a man like that never works, Penny. She'd be a fool to try."

"I know," Penny said. "I never wanted to change Leonard. I…just the way he is, he's perfect. He used to think I was, too. Now it's like, 'Woah boy, Penny's got one giant unforgettable flaw!' …But I kind of want him to see I'm still me."

"You wanna wear this dress for him one day? This lady-like dancin' dress?"

"Yeah," Penny whispered, nodding. "I just don't know if it will ever happen…I'm terrified that I'll end up wearing this dress to his wedding, and I'll have to find some other guy to go with me, and I'll have to sit and watch. Leonard's the type of guy to cry at his own wedding, you know? He's so sensitive, so open. I'd have to sit there and watch him start to cry, and then I'd start to cry…I mean I can picture it and every time I do, I tear up, I can't help it. Then he looks at me and he looks so sad and it hurts so much. I really, really want him and Priya to break up before it comes to that. Is that selfish?"

"Hmm…yes and no," Mrs Cooper said. "It's not like you're setting out to end a relationship, you know what I mean? I'm not sure you have to worry either, from what Shelly's told me. And you might not be able to say it, Penny, but it's pretty clear your feelings run deep as the ocean I'm about to cruise out on-"

"I just want to be with him, Mary. I miss crying over sappy movies snuggled up beside him; movies I make him watch but that he secretly loves because I watch him watching them. I miss sleeping next to him and waking up with him…I've never held onto another guy or reached out to them when I've been asleep like I did with him. I felt so safe. I miss looking into his eyes and knowing that he loves me without either of us having to say it, and it's killing me," Penny whispered. She hung her head in shame. "No one else knows I feel like this, but I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose him forever, only I can't bring myself to do anything about it. Even if I could now say those three words he so desperately wanted to hear in the first place, that wouldn't be fair. I'm stuck, and I'm still crying, I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Mrs Cooper whispered as she pulled Penny closer for another hug. "Oh sweetheart," she added soothingly. "I've been praying for you Penny, like I do for all of Shelly's friends, but I'll pray a little harder, okay?"

"Thank you," Penny whispered against Mary's shoulder. She was all cried out, at least for the time being.

Penny was brought back to the present by Sheldon's mother leaving her and Leonard standing in the church aisle. It could not have been more than a couple of seconds since they entered the church, but the memory had been fast and vivid and Penny just wanted to go home, grab a blanket, and curl up on the couch to cry over Notting Hill on DVD. The plot was no shocker: smart nerdy guy falls in love with actress, actress falls for him too, they both screw up along the way, but in the end he fights for her. That was their movie, that was her and Leonard. Why wouldn't Leonard fight for her? He didn't fight.

Don't you dare cry, Penny! Remember those acting classes! Just be bored.

"This is like the worst Hollywood tour ever," Penny said quietly to Leonard.

"What are you gonna do? She wanted to see churches," Leonard mumbled as he led her towards the pews.

Penny was right behind him. The group's pairing-off was a natural thing. Without Sheldon, it was Raj and Howard, and Leonard and Penny. Penny didn't want to be too close to Raj because of that almost-one-nighter, and she didn't want to be right next to Howard because he was just a really odd little dude, and still kind of creepy and sexist even with Bernadette's efforts to reign in the weirdness. As Bernadette herself had said, he's like a baby bird.

Penny could barely take care of herself; she wanted to stay far, far away from the needy bird's nest. In contrast, Leonard was not like a baby bird, and he wasn't creepy or sexist, or mute. If anything, he was more a leader now than he had been even when they were together. She was safe there on his wing.

"Hey, they have wine here, don't they?" Penny asked him, perking herself up with that little memory of Bernadette's face when she had proclaimed of her fiancé, over a glass of white wine, 'He can't go into space! He's like a baby bird!' It never failed to lift Penny's spirits. She followed Leonard into the pew but neither of them sat. Leonard picked up one of the Bibles on the cushioned seats and Penny stared upwards, fiddling with her fingers, not sure exactly what the protocol was. It had been so long since she had been in a church.

Mrs Cooper returned then and exclaimed, "Hey while we're here, why don't we all do some praying? Let's put a little church in this church!"

Leonard looked up from the Bible. Inwardly, he panicked.

"Oh, I'm not sure we should-"

"It's easy, I'll show you how." She walked to a pew on the opposite side of the aisle and sat. "Lord, Mary Cooper here, coming to you from Gomorra, California."

Leonard felt Penny glance his way and with a twitch of his lips, he sat. The rest of them followed suit.

Leonard was acutely aware of Penny on his left. Her thigh was just a shuffle away from his, and he was glad he was still holding the Bible he had picked up, otherwise he might have had one of those seemingly unconscious urges to reach out and wrap his hand around that thigh, or over her knee, or even just to lean in towards her slightly.

Ever since Priya left for India, he had been drawn more to Penny, and things had seemed easier. He could not deny it. Usually it was kind of awkward, or as normal as it could be, but Leonard could not help remembering the conversation he'd had with Mrs Cooper, who was now praying across from them. Mary had sat with him on the couch in the apartment before they left.

"So," she had said. "How you going, Leonard?"

"Oh, I'm fine, Mrs Cooper," he said with a polite smile.

"I hear you've got yourself a real little lady in India. How did that happen?"

"Well, she wasn't in India this whole time. She's gone back there, for work."

"Do you love her?" Mary had asked bluntly. Leonard's eyes went wide and his heart hammered in his chest. No one had asked him that before. Not Raj, and not even Priya had come out and asked, 'Do you love me?' In the panic of the moment, staring into the eyes of Sheldon's mother, Leonard wasn't even sure if he could remember if he had actually said it to Priya at all. Had she said it to him? Up there inside his head, it was just blank. "Ahuh," Mrs Cooper said with a knowing smirk before Leonard had a chance to find some words.

There were no words!

"Uh, you know, long distance," was all he could finally manage.

"I hear she got you into contact lenses," Mrs Cooper said. "I don't know why. You look so cute in your glasses, I always liked a smart man in glasses!"

"Yeah…that was an experiment that didn't go so well," Leonard said. "I kept bumping into things, they changed my spatial awareness and I just never got used to them. Who told you I tried contacts?"

"Shelly," Mrs Cooper said without missing a beat. "He said you hit your head in them."

"Just a few times," Leonard admitted with a smirk that made Mrs Cooper chuckle. "It's going okay though. It's hard, but we're making it work."

"Relationships can be hard," Mrs Cooper said. "Never knowing a hundred percent what the other person is thinking, or what they're going through, or what might've happened in their past that made them how they are. They could be right in front of you, and you think it's going great and then 'poof!', off they go."

"Tell me about it," Leonard muttered sadly. It was only the story of his life.

"Have faith," Mrs Cooper said. She reached over and patted his knee affectionately. "You're a good man, Leonard. Those women know it. Maybe the one you love, loves you too, and she just needs a little time. You hang in there, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Leonard said.

They had been on their second church visit of the day before Leonard had replayed that conversation for the first time. He had begun to wonder who exactly Mary had been talking about. Initially he had thought she meant Priya. 'Maybe the one you love, loves you too, and she just needs a little time.' However, Leonard had specifically told Mrs Cooper that Priya had gone back to India for work, not because of any relationship problems. Did she simply sense that he was unhappy? Or that he was lonely? Who was he meant to be hanging in there for? 'You're a good man, Leonard. Those women know it.'

Women. As in, plural. As in, not just Priya.

"All right Penny, your turn!" Mrs Cooper announced from behind him all of a sudden. They were not on their second church anymore, but he was still hung up. Leonard sucked in a breath and looked over at Penny, eyebrows raised.

Penny. Suddenly Leonard was terrified of what she was going to pray for.

Penny was not feeling much better. She wasn't one to pray. Wasn't Mrs Cooper supposed to be doing that for her?

Be cool Penny, she told herself as she set her face to an expression of innocent skyward thoughtfulness. This was not a big deal. Prayer-schmayer.

"Okay, um, hey God…whassuuup?" The awkwardness she felt was immeasurable, but she persisted with the most obvious request she could think of, and it had nothing to do with her disastrous screw-up with Leonard and the fact she missed him, even though he was inches away, so that was safe! "I'm good," she said. "But it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth…but no cops, be cool."

She could feel Raj staring at her from the other end of the pew, but beside her Leonard just sat and listened. She wanted to thank him but couldn't even hold his hand. It wasn't long before Mrs Cooper wanted to make an addition, too.

"She also goes a little overboard on the love thy neighbour," Mary said. "Could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene."

Heeey, Penny thought. Now Mrs Cooper was just being funny. Didn't she remember Penny sobbing into her shoulder because of her feelings? Come on! Mary was having way too much fun travelling around churches, dammit!

"Leonard, you're up," Mary said. Penny pouted and held her breath. She turned to glance at Leonard, but that wasn't going to work. She didn't feel good about looking at him so up-close, so she turned her eyes to the front.

Leonard was afraid he was going to have another mental blank. He had prayed a lot over his life, but no prayers he ever said to any God – and he had tried them all – had made one spec of difference. His mother never said that she loved him, his father never played with him, he never got Christmas presents or birthday presents…and he never got the girl. His girl was right there beside him and she couldn't even look at him, let alone tell him that she loved him. Sure, obviously she had family problems; her sister once shot her husband and it seemed the brother was now cooking drugs. No wonder Penny's dad had once been desperate for her to settle down with a great guy like Leonard, and no friggin' wonder that Penny wasn't sure if she could do it.

God, it hurt.

No wait, he couldn't pray about that. Be cool, he told himself. Be funny.

"Okay, I don't know…probably a little late to ask you to make me taller."

Leonard paused and frowned in mock-thought, but in the corner of his eye he saw Penny's face turn towards him. He was barely looking at her, but he could still see her. He remembered the time that Sheldon had called him a homunculus ('a perfectly formed miniature human being') and Penny had wrapped her arm around his neck and shoulders and nuzzled up against him, dressed in his own shirt, to sweetly say, 'Aww, you're my little homunculus'.

Best. Memory. Ever.

Penny was so warm and affectionate and genuine, and she didn't even know it, or maybe she didn't believe it about herself. Leonard wanted that arm casually thrown around him again. He should probably confess that he lay in bed some nights and dreamt about how he could give her that self-belief, or how she might find it for herself, with his help. Then what would they do?

But awake and in that moment in that church, Leonard thought maybe she wanted to reach for him and his short stature. The softly teasing, 'oh sweetie'; it just oozed out of her, without her needing to move or to say a word. She had never really needed to say a word. He knew how she felt. Those eyes.

Leonard knew that he could have just told her that ages ago. He could have just said, 'I know, it's okay, don't panic'. He hadn't needed the words, in hindsight, because he always had her beautiful eyes that told him everything.

But hindsight saw more clearly than he did, even in contact lenses.

Leonard knew he messed up with Penny; they had both messed up. As he sat beside her, he could only hope that things worked out better with Priya. They just had to work out, didn't they? Could he ever be that unlucky? Again?

Add something to this stupid not-so-funny prayer, his subconscious told him. Penny had spoken about her brother and she hardly ever talked about her siblings' pretty serious problems. He could say something kind of serious, too.

"Oh uh, if you could help out with me and my girlfriend, she's all the way in India, that would be great."

Penny looked away as soon as Leonard mentioned his girlfriend. She knew it! She just knew he was going to pray for Priya. It was yucky and heartbreaking and this church-tour-thing was crap. She needed to talk to Bernadette and Amy. She neeeeeeded Bernadette to look her in the eyes with a scowl on her petite face and say, "That bitch!" Priya, for making Leonard fall in love with her, for making Leonard miss her, for not caring that Leonard cared so much for her that he was sitting in a church praying for her and their relationship.

Had he done that for them, Penny wondered suddenly? Had he sat in the dark in his apartment, or maybe beside Penny as she slept, and asked God to make her love him?

Oh God, what if he had? Penny could picture it too. All Leonard ever wanted was to be loved. She would have been snuggled in towards his chest, and he would have been awake while she slept, watching her. Maybe he stroked some of her long hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. Maybe he whispered, 'I love you Penny', hoping she would hear it and subconsciously start formulating the desired response, and maybe he would add, 'God, please let her love me. I love her so much, please let her be able to say it.'

Yes, Leonard had loved her that much. Penny just knew it.

"Hear that?" Mrs Cooper was saying. She was oblivious to Penny's sudden heartache, or maybe not so oblivious; she went on to make a joke and save Penny from tears. "Girl trouble. Turns out we were both wrong on that front."

Oh Hell, Penny thought as she started to smile. Thank you Mrs Cooper! She rolled her lips together to stop herself from giggling. Leonard was so not gay! There had never been a doubt in her mind, not from the second he arrived at her front doorstep to shyly welcome her to the building and offer her take-out.

Penny turned to look at him again, finally, and was heartened to see that put-out, innocent expression on his adorable face. It was his 'whaaaaaat?' look, and God, she wanted to put her arm around him and tell him that it was okay, she knew him. She wanted to give him a seductive smile or a wink, or a very subtle air-kiss. As it was, she settled for stifling a giggle and smiling at him.

Leonard continued to frown, even though his heart had just leapt achingly, longingly in his chest. It was the way Penny smiled at him, the warmth in her eyes…he felt the words, 'I love you Penny', stirring in his throat, but he was confused as well. They were just friends again, after all. He wasn't meant to feel like that about her anymore, he had Priya and Penny had moved on; he had heard that she was dating a bit again...not including Raj, of course.

Yet the way she had looked at him, brief as it had been, with those eyes and her expression, it was just so damn affectionate, so loving. Adoring, he might have said. Priya didn't look at him like that. There was almost a reverence about the way Penny looked into his eyes…only Penny didn't feel it, or didn't understand what she was feeling, or she wasn't ready to understand.

'She just needs a little time,' Mrs Cooper had said. Leonard suddenly was sure that Mary had been talking about Penny. Penny and Mrs Cooper had spoken…had Penny actually said she needed more time? What did that mean? Had she talked about her feelings? Why would she have talked to Sheldon's mother about their relationship? …Which was over, by the way.

Maybe he was just making a huge deal out of nothing very important.

Howard said something about bursting into flames instead of his prayer, and Leonard finally had enough. Screw it, he thought. It was perfect. She was still perfect. He shifted away from Howard until he bumped his shoulder into Penny's and his thigh came up alongside hers. She would understand; he was avoiding the probable wrath of God. That made it okay, right?

To her credit, Penny stared straight ahead. Neither of them moved their hands from their own laps and thighs, even though it would have been so easy to hold one another's hands then, to entwine their fingers just as they always had, mostly without ever thinking about it, even in sleep.

Yet there was no touching, other than thighs and shoulders, and that meant through jeans and jackets, not actual skin. Both of them were acutely aware that even their clothes were not meant to be touching, but as they sat there and pretended as though they weren't, Leonard knew that it was also somehow right. He could not get over the way she had just looked at him. He did not think he had been seeing things. She loved him, just as he was.

He remembered a long time ago they had been in the middle of sex and she had groaned with pleasure, calling out, 'Oh God Leonard, you're the perfect fit, it's never been like this', and of course he remembered that because it was just about the best thing a girl had ever said to him during sex. Actually, it was by far the best thing a girl had ever said to him in bed. It was unforgettable.

Though, they were in a church, so Leonard thought he perhaps shouldn't try too hard to remember just how well matched they were just yet either.

Beside him, Penny sighed with something akin to relief. Mrs Cooper had finally stopped asking them all to pray and had walked up towards the altar to say a final prayer herself, or maybe just to sticky-beak.

Leonard felt like he had to say something amid the silence. He wasn't ready to move away from Penny yet, but Raj and Howard were getting up to leave.

"Well, it looks like God spared Howard," Leonard mumbled in her direction. Penny smirked as their eyes briefly met. She quickly looked away though, and that appreciative, maybe even loving look that Leonard had seen, it was gone.

"He's marrying a good Catholic girl," Penny explained. "He's probably safe."

"I'm sorry about your brother," Leonard added. He still wanted to be genuine with her; he craved that kind of exchange. He had really missed her, while she'd been distancing herself. Penny rolled her lips together and nodded.

"Thanks. I'm sorry about Priya. You must miss her."

"Yeah," Leonard drawled. Penny at least made it clear where she thought his priorities lay. He shuffled back until they were no longer touching. It really was time to go, but he didn't feel done yet. "Missing someone is tough," he said. "I'm still a pretty patient guy though…I've got time."

Penny smiled at him, and he knew then that she was oblivious to what he was really trying to say. He didn't want to admit to himself what it meant, either.

"You're a better man than I am, Leonard Hofstadter," Penny said as they both stood. She briefly clasped his upper arm through his jacket and his hoodie and his t-shirt, but she was sure she felt that nicely defined muscle of his bicep that if she closed her eyes she could still map out perfectly.

"A better man than you are? Is there something you haven't told me?" Leonard asked, teasing her as they followed Raj and Howard out of the church. Mrs Cooper was behind them, probably eavesdropping, Penny knew.

Penny laughed at Leonard, and unthinkingly said, "Oh, there's a lot I haven't told you". She instantly regretted it when she heard him suck in a sharp breath. Oh Jesus, she thought. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, help me!

Be calm, she assured herself. Take a deep breath and fix it, Penny.

Leonard was her best friend. Somewhere deep down, whether he wanted to admit it to himself or not, whether he was in love with Priya or not, Penny knew that Leonard knew how she felt about him. He knew. He knew, dammit!

She opened her mouth to reply but no words came out. Leonard had stopped on the footpath and she had stopped with him. They were face-to-face and completely stuck, and somehow it was her fault again. Tears filled Penny's eyes, her stomach flip-flopped. Of course there was a lot she hadn't said to him, stuff like, 'I love you Leonard', and 'I'm sorry', and 'I miss you', and 'please don't leave me'…it was all really selfish stuff, it was all about her.

"I…" That was it; that was Penny's great recovery speech. Why couldn't she make a joke of it, or just wink at him and say, 'tell you later', in that flirty way that a few years ago she would have done, and it would have worked.

She wasn't the same person anymore though, it seemed. She couldn't go out and pick up random guys, she didn't want to date anyone else but the man in front of her, but she couldn't flirt with him either. She still refused to string him along, she wouldn't do it again; they wouldn't survive it if it happened again.

"It's okay Penny," Leonard said with a kind smile. He grinned, actually, and Penny was touched when she saw him thoughtfully cock his head to one side and offer her a friendly little shrug. "You've told me more than I ever gave you credit for. I was just making a joke…a bad joke, clearly. Sorry."

"It's fine," Penny said with an awkward, teary chuckle. She rolled her lips together and bit down on her bottom lip briefly. She crossed her arms over her chest and hunched downwards as she thought. Okay, what next?

"Come on you two," Mrs Cooper said as she came up behind them and between them, and clapped them both on the back. "Bowed heads is reserved for praying only, and after that abysmal effort from y'all in there, I'll be redoubling mine this evening. We're no longer in the Lord's house, so let's keep this tour moving and continue on with our glorious day!"

She hurried off ahead of them, and Penny composed herself and nodded in agreement. She and Leonard began to walk after her without speaking. They could see Howard and Raj waiting for them further along the footpath too.

"So Sheldon's mother is pretty nice, huh?" Leonard asked, making small talk. He found himself wondering what Penny's own mother was like, if she was as good-hearted as her daughter, and if one day he would ever meet her.

"Yeah, she is," Penny said with a gentle smile. "Sheldon's lucky he has her. All his inner-goodness… And hey, at least someone's praying for us, right? I don't know if you believe in it or anything, but I kind of hope it works."

"I'm sure things with your brother will work out," Leonard said. He hoped it worked too. 'Have a little faith,' Mary had said. His faith was in Penny, and Leonard wasn't sure that would ever change. He didn't really want it to.

"Yeah," Penny agreed softly. They glanced at each other and smiled, and just for a second, Penny thought he understood. She prayed one day he would.


End file.
